When I was a really little kid, Christmas was such a magical time. I remember it being a time when all of my extended family would get together. On Christmas eve we would go to the evening church service and then watch for Santa in the sky on our short drive home. From there we would all gather in our small 100 year old farmhouse that would come alive with music, chatter and excitement.
We would huddle around my Grammy and listen to her read the "Night Before Christmas" book (with pop up pages and all). The memories are so palpable I can still feel the pages of that book and hear the way she read it to us in her sing-song voice. It brings tears to my eyes because it's been a long time since I've felt a holiday as whole as those times, I have mourned these memories for a lot of years. I never imagined Christmas could be any better than when I was a child.
A lot of things happened to me in my life, events that hardened my heart towards the holidays, life experiences that changed me (and my family's dynamic) and then ultimately a move across the country to a city where we have no family. Christmas is different now, all of the holidays are different. Then these two came along and slowly but surely patched up all of the holes in my heart, I want them to have Christmases as palpable as the ones I had as a child, so much so that they can still feel them 25 years later.
I was so wrong about Christmas, there is no way that it can get any better than it is right now, as a parent, who has the privilege to make the magic for them.
One of the memories that stands out to me is one of all the cousins spending time at my Gram's stringing popcorn garlands for her Christmas tree. I remember the smell of the popcorn, how big I felt being allowed to use a sewing needle and how proud I felt to be able to create something for her tree. I think about all the fun we had with our grandparents and it breaks my heart a little to know that my kids don't get as many opportunities to make these memories, but I digress...
A couple of days ago Scarlett, Bodhi and I popped a couple of bags of popcorn and created our own popcorn garland. So we only made enough to fit around the mirror in our entryway, but it was the memories we made while doing it that will stick with me forever. There was no fighting, no distractions, just some music, lots of popcorn (and giggles) and a new tradition that I think we will incorporate every year.
Lately I'm realizing just how lucky I am to have this time with them. I don't want to waste it, I don't want to be distracted, I just want to be with them, making these memories with them. I find the more I try to busy myself with other things the less patience I have, the more anxious I get and the less I actually get to know them as the people they are. This past year I've found immense personal growth and I'm in a place where I can be honest with myself which is going to reflect in some big changes moving forward. I'm really happy. We're really happy and it's been a long time since I've been able to say that with complete honesty.
I know I can't give my children that holiday's like I had with big family gatherings but I'm going to try my hardest to make every holiday special by just being with them and when they grow up and have their own kids, they're never getting rid of me! Ha!
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